Golf parents are getting crazier

This article originally appeared in The Undercover Newsletter, where we grant anonymity to people who work in golf who’ve got something to say. Here a top junior coach is interviewed by Associate Editor Drew Powell. You can sign up via Golf Digest+ to make sure you receive this newsletter regularly.

Last year, I was coaching a 13-year-old girl who is one of the top juniors in the country for her age. During one tournament, she didn’t play well and as I was walking to my car, I spotted the mom grab the young girl by the shoulder and scold her. Then, slap. Right across the face, she unloaded into her daughter with great force. I immediately interjected, “Is everything OK over here, guys?” The mother turned red, clearly embarrassed that I caught her.

I know it’s not my place to parent other people’s kids, but this was over the line. I wish I could say it was the first time I had seen something like this in my career.

When I got into coaching 30 years ago, I wanted to help young kids develop their golf games, but I especially wanted to be a life coach. Three decades in, I certainly am a life coach—but not just to the kids. I’m a guiding force to parents, too.

How bad is the abuse problem? I’ve left multiple No. 1-ranked junior golfers in the world for their age, including a current tour player, over how their parents treated them. I’ve seen and heard parents pull their children aside on the course and call them slurs that make the F-word seem like a pleasantry. As a father myself, I have no tolerance for such action.

A few years ago, I was working with a student on the range at a qualifier for a prestigious national tournament. Given the stakes, it’s one of the most important days of the junior season. One kid, a few places down, was not hitting it well, and the dad was heating up. After one-too-many chunks, the dad stormed up to the kid: “How can you do this on the day of your qualifier!” he screamed as he whacked his son across the shoulder, grazing his face.

After seeing this same pattern repeatedly, I think it all stems from narcissism and controlling personalities. There are many parents who believe that excessive discipline creates champions. I argue very strongly against that. When parents push a kid too hard, the kid loses interest in golf and the relationship gets damaged for a lifetime.

Here’s my usual routine: A parent, usually the dad, will desperately ask me to train their kid. “My kid is going to be a world champion—the next Tiger Woods, but we need your help,” they say. “I can’t do it anymore. I need someone to take over so that my child doesn’t hate me for the rest of my life.” Earlier in my career, I bought this narrative that they were ready to step aside and let me coach their kids. I know better now.

One 12-year-old girl who I used to coach was the nicest girl, and her family moved from a foreign country so they could see me frequently. Her dad gave me the typical spiel when we started, about how he needed to step back, but soon enough, he couldn’t help himself. At one tournament, the girl made a few mental mistakes. Nothing crazy, but she missed the ball in the wrong spot, as many juniors tend to do. Since the family speaks another language, it can be tough to pick up on what is being said, but the dad started yelling at his daughter in their native tongue. The other parents in the group understood and reported him to an official. The gist was, “You b----! What the f--- are you doing?!” That was the dad’s third strike with me, so I stopped working with them.

Abuse was less common when I started teaching. What’s changed? Junior golf is so competitive now, with elite coaching starting younger so that kids can try to secure college scholarships. In the parents’ minds, there is no room for error: Either their kid continues to improve, play well in the biggest tournaments and land a D-I scholarship, or they have failed. When they pass along that pressure to the kid, things get ugly.

I was recently at an event on a prominent junior golf tour and was following one of my students in the 12- and 13-year-old division. Many moms and dads were caddieing, which is fine, but these weren’t just any caddies. I saw numerous parents lining up their kids’ balls on the green, only for the kids to step in, read the putt on their own and adjust the line to what they thought was correct. The mom or dad would quickly jump back in and move the line back to what they wanted. Back and forth they went. Ridiculous. How do you expect a kid to learn?

I encourage families to be an integral part of the team. Often, since I teach kids as young as six or seven, I talk to both the kid and the parent during a lesson so that they all know what to work on during practice. The key is that the kid needs to be in love with the game. If the kid loves it, then by all means, go get to work. Many parents understand this and are very supportive without being overbearing.

If I suspect a parent is being abusive, I will have a one-on-one chat with the junior. When I do that, 95 percent of the time the kid will cry, complaining about the pressure they are under. “I can’t stand my dad! I wish he would just leave me alone. I’m not trying to hit a bad shot!” they’ll often say to me.

I have learned how to spot the toxic parents more quickly. I limit the number of players that I coach, and I put each prospective family through a rigorous interview process to sift out the narcissists and control-freaks. To be sure, all these toxic situations have made me question my career choice numerous times. I can’t even cash my IRA yet, but I’ve seriously considered retiring on and off for at least a decade. What keeps me going? My dad. He was the ideal junior-golf parent—tough but always positive. Right before he passed away, as I was struggling with these overbearing parents, he told me, “Keep pushing, son. You have a gift. Never give up.”