Making sense of yet ANOTHER new Spider-Man

15 years, six movies, three actors, one Spiderman. On Friday, Spider-Man: Homecoming swings into sticky-floored theaters all over America, but if you’re not an AMC butter substance-swilling movie nerd, chances are you’re a little bit lost. Between 2002 and 2007, Sony released the original Spider-Man trilogy to worldwide fanfare, grossing $2.5 billion and helping to spark the self-sustaining superhero gas-fire that we now call the movie industry. Half a decade later, they rebooted the series with Andrew what’s-his-name (ed. note: Garfield) for two cobwebby clunkers that nobody asked for just so they could hold onto the rights for another couple of years.

All the while, Disney's Marvel Studios lurked in the shadows, waiting for the opportunity to snatch their estranged child back into the amorphous, technicolor blockbuster blob we call the MCU. There were court dates and custody battles, but Disney gets what Disney wants, and in the end Sony struck a deal. The result? Homecoming, the umpteenth Spider-Man iteration of the IMAX era, only with one crucial difference: Now Spidey gets to hang out with all his Avenger buddies. But don’t worry if you’re still a little confused, we’re here to help. Just hold this human stomach-sized cherry coke that's balancing a box of Junior Mints topped with a soft pretzel as we round up each and every Spider-Man to see how they measure up. By the time we’re through, we guarantee you’ll be climbing the GD walls.

THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY

Played By: Seabiscuit’s jockey