You're waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. Your hands are starting to shake, and the hallucinations have set in. You've been chugging ginger ale by the gallon for the nausea. No, you don't have coronavirus. You're withdrawing from sports.
Since COVID-19 exploded on American shores, the sports world has frozen up like an old laptop, leaving fans everywhere high, dry and curled up in the fetal position. But don't despair, because A. sports will eventually be back and B. they were never that great in the first place. What's that? You already forgot? Well in that case, here's a quick reminder of all the things you're NOT missing when you're not watching sports.
The final 90 seconds of an NCAA tournament game taking 20 minutes to play
Watching Eugene from IT win the office bracket pool . . . again
Hot tips about the 12-5 upset
People who know the scores of Spring Training games
“Exit velo,” “launch angle,” “oppo taco”
Angel Hernandez
Casual racism
Blown ACLs
Blown calls
ESPN the day after either
Skip Bayless
FS1 as a whole
A beautiful April afternoon spent watching the RBC Heritage
Five-month tipping scandals
Patrick Reed’s sand game
Twitter freaking out every time Tiger Woods comes within 500 feet of a golf course
Predicting lines when we could just wait and see
Twitter GMs
Antonio Brown
Rudy Gobert
Fireman Ed
Burner accounts
$15 Bud Lights
Guys saying “we” when they really mean “I”
“We Are the Champions”
Bean balls
Sports anchors butchering soccer names
Coach K sanctimony
Drake
Listening to everyone from NJ in the Golf Digest office talk about "The Hall" . . . constantly
Guys who think participation trophies are the biggest issue facing humanity
Frame-by-frame investigations of whether or not James Harden travelled
The term WOJBOMB
Flopping
People complaining about defense in the NBA
Michael Jordan’s jeans
Staying up for West Coast games
The race for the NBA East’s 8th seed
The Knicks
Spring football
Booth reviews
Bill Simmons taking anything that has happened in sports—nay, THE WORLD—and wondering how Bill Belichick would handle it
Your podcast
College basketball officiating
NBA officiating
Jumbotron proposals
Mel Kiper’s sentient toupee
Hand-size analysis
The guy mowing down catchers in slow-pitch softball
The guy trying to get you to join his fantasy baseball league
Talk about tanking
Talk about how to fix tanking
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