Traditions abound at Augusta National. The ceremonial tee shots. The grisly four putts. A guy in a green Men’s Warehouse jacket and sunglasses, flanked by dancing men in animal suits, shouting leaderboard updates into a microphone like a maniac. All were on proud display on Thursday, as Viktor Hovland bounded out to an early lead and Chris Vernon graced the internet with the latest installment of his now-hallowed Masters Updates. Sound to the moon.
There are plenty of gems within this nearly-five-minute serenade—finding something to rhyme with “Xander Schauffele” is no small feat—but Vernon’s best work begins around the 46-second mark when he sets his sights on a seemingly rejuvenated Brooks Koepka. And, of course, it’s impossible to talk about Brooks without also mentioning wife Jena Sims, who gets a full verse in her honor.
“Jena Sims on the grounds / Put her booty of Netflix / Got Brooks taking Insta pics” Vernon croons, a regular ol’ Sinatra.
Surprisingly, Vernon saved his Hovland ammo (that Azalea shirt could have spawned a jam all its own), but don’t worry. There’s still three more days of this sh*t. He’s just getting warmed up.
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