Some people out there are of the belief that all bottled water is the same. Those people are not only wrong and possibly a little slow, but they have the palate of a five-year-old. It's Poland Spring and everybody else (Crystal Geyser is also highly underrated and approaching the top five of my big board).
All kidding aside, yes, most versions of water taste like water, but there is one version that is the clear worst of the worst, spit-it-out-upon-first sip water, and that's Dasani. Apologies to the fine folks at Coca-Cola, but they should really #StickToSoda.
Look no further than this clip of Milwaukee Bucks head coach Mike Budenholzer, who, in fairness, has a face that always appearrs disgusted with something. The Bucks could be up by 100 points and Budenholzer's face would still indicate that he's in some sort of hidden pain, but the face he made after taking a sip from a bottle of Dasani on Wednesday was something different. Pure, unadulterated DISGUST. See for yourself:
Do you have any idea how bad WATER has to taste for someone to make this face? The one where you can't even get the liquid down so you pool it in both sides of your mouth, which actually makes the situation worse, and consider spitting it out? It has to taste like a dog's rear end to produce this face:
That's a literal "get this sh-t out of my face" face. He even gave it the "no no no" nod and handed it away. Over a sip of water! Budenholzer would rather talk to the media while thirsty than drink that stuff. That's your legacy, Dasani. Shame, shame, shame.
P.S. There's an all-time great line in the show "Workaholics" that I'm struggling to find where the character Anders is at a Juggalos concert and he's dying of thirst. So he begins asking around and says: "Does anybody have a soda? Juice? Hell, at this point I'd take a Dasani." Just a devastating line. Couple that with this face from Budenholzer and I'm not sure how Dasani ever recovers.
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