MATH WE DON’T HATE
1,200
Seats at the Beer Barrel Saloon, the world's longest bar
20,000
Seats at the Waste Management Phoenix Open's 16th Hole
PRESIDENTIAL (GOLF) STYLE THROUGH THE YEARS
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL WITH YOUR FUTURE CLUB PRESIDENT
5:30 A.M.
Rise and grind
7 A.M.
Photo op with maintenance
9 A.M.
Send monogrammed Pro V1s to various greens-committee members
NOON
Deliver keynote campaign speech. Remember to . . .
• Unveil campaign slogan: “The future is a drivable par 4!”
• Distance self from previous administration’s disastrous cart path-only policy
• Promise to build fence along border with nearby public course; announce the public course will pay for it
2 P.M.
Release attack ad accusing opponent of improper drop at last year’s member-guest
4:30 P.M.
Dinner with the Lady nine-holers
PUPPY BOWL: GOLF EDITION
NAME: SCOTTY
OWNER: MAX HOMA
KNOWN FOR: BEST TWITTER IN THE PFL
● ● ●
NAME: WILSON
OWNER: PADRAIG HARRINGTON
CLAIM TO FAME: PGA ROOKIE PUP OF THE YEAR
● ● ●
NAME: LEIA
OWNER: JIMMY WALKER
HERO: BARKY SANDERS
● ● ●
NAME: LOLA AND GATSBY
OWNER: MICHELLE WIE
POSITION: WIDE RETRIEVERS
HOW TO SPEND YOUR GOLF LEAP DAY
Color code your scorecard pencil collection
Rewrite the Rules of Golf in iambic pentameter
Send apology letters to all the groups you hit into the previous year
Hand-knit replica of Nick Faldo’s 1990 Masters sweater
Build TPC Sawgrass island green in a bottle
SECRET ADMIRERS OF THE PGA TOUR
“TIGER, YOU HAVE ME SEEING SUNDAY RED.”
—A HUMBLE PATRON
“BRYSON, YOU RAISE THE BAROMETRIC PRESSURE IN MY HEART.”
—A FELLOW SCIENCE LOVER
“PHIL, LET’S SHARE A PHIRESIDE TOGETHER.”
—A CALF ENTHUSIAST
“HIDEKI, MY HEART SKIPS A BEAT WHEN YOU PAUSE AT THE TOP.”
—A QUICK TRANSITIONER
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